A Beautiful Paradox

“There is a huge and heroic sanity of which moderns can only collect the fragments. There is a giant of whom we see only the lopped arms and legs walking about. They have torn the soul of Christ into silly strips, labelled egoism and altruism, and they are equally puzzled by His insane magnificence and His insane meekness. They have parted His garments among them, and for His vesture they have cast lots; though the coat was without seam woven from the top throughout.”

- G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy

Insane magnificence. Insane meekness. 

More and more, I am in greater awe of the mystery of Christ. The many teachings and characteristics of Christ and the kingdom appear to be a complete paradox: 

• the meek shall inherit the earth
• the last shall be first
• Jesus, the King, is gentle and lowly at heart
• unless you turn and become like children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven

I often struggle with understanding how such truths play out in the human experience- specifically, my own. How can there be glory in suffering? How can there be healing in the painful areas of life where Christ seems so far removed? How does knowledge transform into wisdom embedded deep within? 

How can Christ bridge this chasm? 

Because I couldn't make sense of this disconnect in my own life, I only brought to light the areas of my life that I thought were worth revealing. Perhaps a little dusty, perhaps a little bruised- but they were still the "better" parts of me. It just made sense this way. This, however, was not sufficient to truly start experiencing the transformative work of the gospel. 

Slowly but surely, the Lord began to kindly, yet boldly invade the hidden places of my soul that I had blocked off- the parts where Christ was not in the narrative, and I hadn't let the gospel touch. I thought, how can I bear to look at my own brokenness with nothing but utter hopelessness? It seemed far better and safer to keep them hidden and steer clear of any ounce of vulnerability. 

Yet in the process of allowing my brokenness to be met with the Lord's grace, I began to taste sweet freedom. To the parts of me that proclaimed "I am unlovable," the Lord covered with the truth that God, who is defined as love and is the author and finisher of our faith, has indeed created me with love. And He used people around me to preach that truth to me- you are loved. Even when you feel you have no love to give, you are loved. Even when you feel weak, you are loved. The scriptural truth, "we loved because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19) became so tangible in my weakness. 

Ah, the Lord is bridging the chasm. He is doing the sanctifying work of the Spirit, and I am partaking in it. 

As this work continues, I'm discovering more parts of myself that have yet to see the Light. Many of these parts are hidden memories that stir up both melancholy and uncomfortable familiarity when I revisit them. But now, I'm starting to recognize something: the fact that He isn't there. He isn't in this memory. And from this realization, I invite Jesus into that place in order to reconcile it with the reality of the ever-present God. 

In such ways, the transformative work of the gospel seems to be based on gradual growth starting with a renewing of the mind and inviting God into the dialogue, even if it may be of doubt and fear. It is slow and oftentimes painful because I see no end to it. However, in this process, my trust in the Father grows. My faith in the God who claims that darkness is as light to Him increases. My reality shifts from what I may naturally see and comprehend to the reality of Christ. And I can begin to confidently sing: Yes, Lord. Even here, Your hand leads me. 

Hallelujah. 

Lessons learned

Last Friday marked the end of my graduate school experience. The two weeks leading up to graduation were so hectic and tiring that I was completely fatigued by the end of it all, but graduation was wonderful and bittersweet. My heart was racing as my fellow graduates and I walked into the gymnasium where commencement was held and I kept thinking, "It's really happening!"

Walking across the stage!

The past 3.5 years were so rich in hardships and moments of utter grace. What I didn't anticipate before starting this program was how much I'd experience and grow outside of academics. Yes, I learned the many, many principles of teaching ESL/EFL and the beauty that is APA, but there was so much more that molded and shaped me into the person I am today. These are just a handful that come to mind:

Identity

I came into the program during one of the worst years of my life to date (2012). Long story short, I was having a hard time readjusting back to life in the states after moving back and forth from Japan. I was too emotionally spent to attempt to build new friendships, and my view of God was theologically unsound to say the least. But by God's grace and especially through Spiritual Direction, I've come to better understand and actually believe that I am of worth- not based of mere positive thinking, but by accepting the truth that I have worth because God has created me with worth. He has the last word. 

Narrative 

After better understanding who I am, whether it be my habits or personality traits, I became more aware that the narrative in my head may not always be the reality of a particular situation or what's going on in another person's head. (A much more eloquent explanation by Brene Brown here) I heard about this concept a few years ago through a sermon that highlighted the importance of identifying the "false narrative" running through our minds. My problem, however, was that I didn't even realize that I had always equated my narrative to absolute reality. So before discerning whether my narrative was false or not, I had to go through the process of realizing that the narrative in my head is my narrative. This not only has been helpful for my relationships with other people, but with God too. He's helped me identify my narrative so that He can tell me His- similar to what Jesus does in John 4, as He talks with the woman at the well.

Having a choice 

Procrastination is the bane of my existence. I am a perfectionist to the core, but not the efficient type- I become so paralyzed by it that I just wait until I have no choice but to complete the task (frantically) with full force. One thing I've learned through grad school though, is that procrastination is a choice, despite how I may feel or think about it. It's going to be a long journey ahead to procrastinate less, but I'm glad I made some progress. A humorous but relatable article about procrastination here.

The dangers of social comparison 

"Social comparison is like a kind of battery acid on the soul, leaving one unable to appreciate the gospel" 

-Dr. Jim Wilhoit

Through the ups and downs of grad school, I realized how social comparison really pulls me away from the gospel--from grace. There were so many times where I lacked confidence in what I was doing and I felt so small talking to others who were seemingly more successful than I was. I needed to be constantly reminded of how God's writing everyone's stories so differently, and I simply need to listen well and yield to God's direction for me. Of course, this is easier said than done.

Reconciliation 

I hate confrontation and awkward situations where I have to deal with a falling-out, but after reconciling with a handful of people over the past few years, I've learned how much freedom can result from it. I always thought of the worst case scenarios when I tried to avoid it, but most of the time, there was a sense of relief for both parties afterwards. I learned that reconciliation truly is a gracious gift that allows people to strengthen relationships; the catch is that this notion is much clearer in retrospect.