Lessons learned

Last Friday marked the end of my graduate school experience. The two weeks leading up to graduation were so hectic and tiring that I was completely fatigued by the end of it all, but graduation was wonderful and bittersweet. My heart was racing as my fellow graduates and I walked into the gymnasium where commencement was held and I kept thinking, "It's really happening!"

Walking across the stage!

The past 3.5 years were so rich in hardships and moments of utter grace. What I didn't anticipate before starting this program was how much I'd experience and grow outside of academics. Yes, I learned the many, many principles of teaching ESL/EFL and the beauty that is APA, but there was so much more that molded and shaped me into the person I am today. These are just a handful that come to mind:

Identity

I came into the program during one of the worst years of my life to date (2012). Long story short, I was having a hard time readjusting back to life in the states after moving back and forth from Japan. I was too emotionally spent to attempt to build new friendships, and my view of God was theologically unsound to say the least. But by God's grace and especially through Spiritual Direction, I've come to better understand and actually believe that I am of worth- not based of mere positive thinking, but by accepting the truth that I have worth because God has created me with worth. He has the last word. 

Narrative 

After better understanding who I am, whether it be my habits or personality traits, I became more aware that the narrative in my head may not always be the reality of a particular situation or what's going on in another person's head. (A much more eloquent explanation by Brene Brown here) I heard about this concept a few years ago through a sermon that highlighted the importance of identifying the "false narrative" running through our minds. My problem, however, was that I didn't even realize that I had always equated my narrative to absolute reality. So before discerning whether my narrative was false or not, I had to go through the process of realizing that the narrative in my head is my narrative. This not only has been helpful for my relationships with other people, but with God too. He's helped me identify my narrative so that He can tell me His- similar to what Jesus does in John 4, as He talks with the woman at the well.

Having a choice 

Procrastination is the bane of my existence. I am a perfectionist to the core, but not the efficient type- I become so paralyzed by it that I just wait until I have no choice but to complete the task (frantically) with full force. One thing I've learned through grad school though, is that procrastination is a choice, despite how I may feel or think about it. It's going to be a long journey ahead to procrastinate less, but I'm glad I made some progress. A humorous but relatable article about procrastination here.

The dangers of social comparison 

"Social comparison is like a kind of battery acid on the soul, leaving one unable to appreciate the gospel" 

-Dr. Jim Wilhoit

Through the ups and downs of grad school, I realized how social comparison really pulls me away from the gospel--from grace. There were so many times where I lacked confidence in what I was doing and I felt so small talking to others who were seemingly more successful than I was. I needed to be constantly reminded of how God's writing everyone's stories so differently, and I simply need to listen well and yield to God's direction for me. Of course, this is easier said than done.

Reconciliation 

I hate confrontation and awkward situations where I have to deal with a falling-out, but after reconciling with a handful of people over the past few years, I've learned how much freedom can result from it. I always thought of the worst case scenarios when I tried to avoid it, but most of the time, there was a sense of relief for both parties afterwards. I learned that reconciliation truly is a gracious gift that allows people to strengthen relationships; the catch is that this notion is much clearer in retrospect. 

Beginnings

I haven't had a blog for so long. The last time I tried maintaining one was about 4-5 years ago when I was living in Japan. That one didn't last for very long, much like the other ones I've had in the past. (RIP)

Right now I'm about a week away from finishing grad school. The past 3.5 years have been quite a whirlwind and I feel excited, regretful, anxious, and hopeful. The end is near, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to cross over to the next chapter yet. I still have a week left and I intend on trying to stay present and soaking in whatever's left of my grad school experience- the community, the beautiful campus, lingering in my favorite resting place, and even spending hours in the library. There is still time.

Anyhow, I'd been thinking of starting a blog again but wasn't sure if there was a good reason to do so. It seems like anything I end up writing would sound trite. But during a very dark period of my life this past year, I spent hours browsing through blogs, trying to find something that would validate my experience and remind me that I'm not alone. Towards the end of that season, I started thinking about creating a blog so that maybe, just maybe, I can do the same for others. Plus, this is probably a better outlet than writing heartfelt messages on Facebook.

I don't know if this blog will have a theme of some sort, but I chose the blog title "kind and bright" because those are two words that have stuck with me all throughout this past year. "Bright" was my word for 2015, and "kind" is what loved ones have been to me in my moments of weakness. I hope to share more about that here. ❤︎

Cheers to being present and enjoying the process.